I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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