You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
