i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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