1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
