I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
