gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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