Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
