i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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