How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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