Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Someone signed my nipple.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
