omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How does one acquire holy water?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
