I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
