So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
