my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
