Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
