I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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