The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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