I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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