i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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