Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
