My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize