i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
