I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
