please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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