If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Vodka?
Forever.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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