You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Randomize
