I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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