I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
