I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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