textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
