I wish I could teleport
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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