I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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