I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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