Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
