He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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