my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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