She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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