I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
