Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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