I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He told me they were just razor bumps!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
