I accidentally burped into my bong.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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