I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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