dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
