I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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