is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
is wine microwaveable?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
