The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize