she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
