She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
