just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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