i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He? As in you personified your dick?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
