You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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