Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
