I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize