If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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