I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
