a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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