sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
