just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Jerry, you need to find god
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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