I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
