I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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