im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
