I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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