a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I AM VODKA MAN
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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