Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
