The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
