Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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